So True....

My baby has died. Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. You can't. God knows I hope you never do. Don't tell me that he's with god and that I should be happy. How can I be happy when everytime I go into his room all I see is an empty crib and toys that will never be played with? How can I be happy when my heart longs for him and my arms ache to just hold him. Please don't tell me god needed another angel. Its hard for me to understand why god would take away this little one who is so loved. Maybe I'll understand later, but for right now let god find another angel. Please please please don't tell me I will have other children. Maybe I will. But my baby is not a puppy that ran away he CANNOT be replaced. Maybe you could just listen when I remember out loud all of the things we did together. The walking the early morning feedings. The screaming and crying. The first time he rolled over and smiled. Maybe you could just sit with me while I cry over the things we will never do together. Please don't tell me it could be worse. How? I really don't want to hear about your grandfathers death. Its not the same. Don't think my pain will be eased by comparison. Of course I'm glad he didn't suffer but I'd be a hell of a lot happier if he hadn't died at all. I know you think its hard for you, but would you mind looking at his picture just one more time. We don't have many of him and I'm just a little bit afraid that I may forget what he looked like. He wasn't here for that long you know. Could you please just listen? Don't tell me to get over it. There is no "over it". Only through it. Maybe you could just be with me while I take my first steps through it. Please don't tell me I should be glad he was just a baby, or at least I didn't get to know him that well. I knew him before I even saw him. He is a part of me and now he is gone. And a part of me is gone and will never return. I haven't just lost a 13 month old baby. I have lost a part of myself. I know you mean well, but please don't expect me to tell you how to help me. I'd tell you if I knew. Because right now I can't hardly put one foot in front of the other. Maybe if you looked around, you could find some things to do. Like going out for a walk, the dishes or making some coffee. Please don't try to remove my pain or distract me from it. I have to feel this way now. Maybe you could just listen...