What Everyone Should Know.....

'What Everyone Should Know About the First Year of Grief' Getting through the holidays without our loved one is one of many challenges we face in the first year of our loss. We are challenged in so many ways that we cannot take loss in all at once. We can only see the world from where we stand; and to most of us, our new world looks and feels like a landscape without gravity. There are no maps to guide us through this fresh grief. But others who have made the journey can help by sharing what they have learned. They show us it is possible to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones along the way. I learned that the first year's grief doesn't flow neatly from one stage to the next; it has multiple patterns, fluctuating cycles, lots of ups and downs. First-year grief will surprise you in many ways, but here are a few things you can expect.
EXPECT SUDDEN "GRIEF ATTACKS."Practical matters demand attention in early grief when we are the most confused and least interested in things we used to care about. We must decide how to get through each new day. Some days, getting out of bed may take all the energy we have. Trips to everyday places like the grocery store feel so different. In my case, simple things like seeing the baby aisle in the store brought immediate, excruciating pain. I call these unexpected reactions "grief attacks." And unlike the response we would get if we had a heart attack while shopping, those around us don't know what to do. We get good at hiding our pain, at postponing grieving for a more appropriate place, a better time.
EXPECT EXHAUSTION AND DISRUPTION.Early grieving is perhaps the hardest work you will ever do. It is common to have difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite and blood pressure, tense muscles that are susceptible to strains, a weekened immune system. Be sure to tell your physician about your loss and any physical symptoms you have. If your doctor can't or won't listen, find one who will.After a loss, many people return to work, school, or other activities feeling vulnerable, less confident about their capabilities, less able to concentrate, distracted by memories, and flooded with emotions that disrupt thinking. For others, work is the only place they are able to concentrate--focusing on tasks helps take their mind off their loss for awhile.Those around us may have unrealistic expectations as we return to work or school. Expect to be stunned by the ineptness, thoughtlessness, and discomfort of some people, and to be thrilled and deeply touched by the kindness and sensitivity of others. Sometimes those you expect to support you the most can't or won't meet your needs, while others you weren't that close to before reach out unexpectedly. Our loved ones are still, and always will be, a part of us. They are threads in our fabric and we cannot lose their love.
EXPECT ONGOING "ECHOES."We experience so many emotions after a loved one dies. We may feel relief that our loved one is not suffering, then feel quilty about feeling relieved. For a time we may be unable to feel much at all. While learning to live with the hole in our heart and fatigue in our body, other responsibilities beckon. We must pay bills, work, decide what we want to do with our loved one's possessions, and on and on.Just when we think everyone surely has heard of our loss by now, the reality of our loved one's death echoes back to us. A call comes from the doctor's office about scheduling a checkup, or we run into an old friend who just moved back to town. Once again we must tell our story, respond to someone else's pain, experience fresh waves of grief. Knowing certain events are coming, such as seeing the grave marker or reading the death certificate or autopsy report, does not prevent us from hurting. These are tangible reminders of the reality of death, while part of us still hopes it's all been just a bad dream.
EXPECT "IF ONLYS" AND "SHOULD HAVES."Most grieving people have some unfinished business with their loved ones. It helps to talk with someone you trust about these concerns. You may not have had a chance to say good-bye or resolve certain issues. You may regret doing or not doing something. Perhaps you believe their death could have been prevented, or their life prolonged.As much as possible, sort through and separate the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that accompany your loss; then decide what action to take. Do you need to forgive yourself or others? To ask your loved one for forgiveness and guidance? Grieving requires enormous energy, but pretending that you're not grieving requires even more. You begin to sense that your world is anxious for you to get on with your life, and no one understands that this is your life and you are getting on with it. "This is it, folks." Then other times you pretend and you wear a mask and perform like a trained seal just to keep what's left of your world from leaving you.
EXPECT DEEP QUESTIONS.Loss causes us to re-examine our beliefs about the Universe, God, and how the world works. Your faith and belief system my comfort and sustain you during the first year of your loss, or you may feel angry and disconnected from it. Remember that it is okay to question. As Job learned, God wants to be in relationship with us no matter what we are feeling.You may be drawn to people who have experienced a loss like yours and can understand some of your feelings and questions. This is one reason many people in early grief find comfort in bereavement support groups. But remember that no one can ever totally understand you grief, your questions, and what your loved one means to you. Like all relationships, each person's grief is unique and complex.
TAKE YOUR TIME, BUT DO YOUR GRIEF WORK.During early grief, you may want to stay busy all the time, avoiding painful emotions and the exhausting work of grief, hoping time will heal you. There's no set schedule and no recovery period for grief. But time alone does not heal--it's what we do with the time that counts. Take the time you need to do your grief work. But also take time away from grieving to do things you enjoy, to rest and replenish yourself.When a loved one dies, our hoped-for future dies, too. Beginning in this first year, and continuing on from there, living with your loss means taking on new roles, new relationships, a new future-without forgetting your past. Sometimes, life takes surprising turns. Confronted with loss, we can weave the strands of our past into a new, meaningful future we never would have planned to live. Doing so is a conscious choice.
TAKE HEARTGetting through the first year of your grief is like winding a ball of string. You start with an end and wind and wind. Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of the work is undone, but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but never do you have to begin at the end of the string. The ball never completely unwinds; you've made some progress. May your loved one's spirit and your continuing bond of love give you strength each day. May your loved one be there to help you during the painful first year, and in all the years to come.
Take from: 'CareNotes' by K Talbot, Ph.D.